'Relax your face. Don't sneer. Keep your shoulders down and arms uncrossed. Look at the person in the eye. Don't be defensive. Don't look around and find a friend who can bail you out.'
Truth: People want to be heard. Being quiet, nodding your head and looking directly at the person across from you makes them feel like you're listening. I was listening, but at the same time I found myself starting to go through my process of dealing with criticism. Here is the process:
1. I notice how unattractive the person is and how screechy his/her voice is. That must be the reason for this attack, not anything that I did, thus proving that s/he's a lunatic.
2. I nod my head and say something like, "Oh, I don't remember doing such a heinous thing. Maybe you're right, I'm going to quit my job right now so you can be happy." No I don't. I try to make nice.
3. I search my mind for a way out. Not finding one, I try to end the confrontation as quickly as possible. Not having the ability to go up in a poof of smoke, this may take some time.
4. After the conversation ends, I start the mental dialogue that sounds like, "Who do you think you are? Don't you know who I am? It must be sad to be such an unhappy person" and it goes on and on.
5. Then I go find everyone who is within a quarter mile radius and tell them about it. I tell all about the travesty, in a somewhat accurate dramatic interpretation, and try to get everyone to agree with me about how crazy the attacker was. I try to get my reluctant audience on my side and against the unreasonable jerk who crossed me. This takes the rest of the day.
6. I also spend the day in a state of paranoia, thinking that everyone else thinks the same thing and how could I ever have thought I was competent in anything. When I get busy and keep my mouth shut I can keep this awful feeling at bay until I move on to the next step.
7. I consider if the criticizer has some merit. I might every once in a while make a mistake. It's true.
8. Finding some merit, I try to find a way to correct my mistake. When I figure out that the person was off base, I accept that most of what people say is about themselves, not me. I've been an Earthling a few years now and thankfully have come to understand this. My stress level is starting to go down.
9. Now I plot my response! I smile at the person the next time I see him/her, never letting on that I have negative feelings or harbor animosity toward him/her. I only speak when spoken to by that person. "What? Did you say something. I didn't even see you there. I was noticing all the people other people who aren't suffering from your disability, RBF syndrome. (RBF - resting bitch face. By this I mean that you look snotty even when you're relaxed and not even saying something mean. Maybe you constantly smell something bad. It must be awful to be like that, dear.)
I probably shouldn't be dealing with the conflict in this way. It's a knee jerk reaction and coping technique. What happened this time is by no means the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I cognitively know that, but still it's a stumbling block. I know that I go through this because I think I'm supposed to be perfect. I hate making mistakes. I hate when people don't like me and aren't constantly reassuring me of my awesomeness. (I'm kind of pathological that way). Thankfully this doesn't happen often. Rarely do people surprise me that way. It's just when it happens it surprises me.
So what's my plan for this coming week? I'll get up and go through my days like I always do, one at a time. And I'll keep whispering my mantra in my own ear. It goes like this-
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I will try again tomorrow'.